In 2011 I had an experience that was what I will describe as an ecstatic state of prolonged gnosis. For a period of a week I did not sleep for 4 nights consecutively at first, at which point I began to experience hallucinations and huge time distortions. Sitting somewhere for minutes and it feeling like hours, or visa versa. Falling into daydreams and realizing they were what was actually happening. Memories, if allowed to linger began to overlay the waking now, it was essential to stay focused. Now that I think back I wonder if I was partially asleep the entire time as well as awake.
In the early morning hours of the 5th day, about 3am I fell asleep at my desk for about two hours. This was in July, I was woke up as the sun came up. I fell asleep again that night afternoon for another three hours. I did not sleep again until the morning of the seventh day when i slept for three and a half more hours. At about 2am on the seventh night/ 8th day I fell asleep and did not wake up for 53 hours.
The entire experience was perpetuated by situational response. Indeed a magical working had been initiated, but even that was in response to high levels of stress. I had been laid off from my job at the hospital and I was dealing with a lot of other things I won’t get into but needless to say it had put me in a very deep depression for months, to the point of being suicidal.
My son was with his father for a few of weeks, my car had died and I was just laid off. I lived in New England in a rural area, so essentially I was house bound and alone for a long stretch of time. This did not help the mental state at all, and I was very easy to falling into delusion in general, especially in occult or magical matters. I was also extremely fervent and meditated for hours as well as performing several magical exercises or operations each day. I maintained an almost religious existence for most of that summer in the sense that my time in solitude until I was able to find work, was devoted to my personal practice.
I came to an astounding realization that I cannot describe fully in words. I saw number patterns that had been playing out throughout my life, and I felt like I was seeing the entire universe from its conception unto its destruction from the perspective of multiple dimensions. There was an overwhelming feeling that I cannot describe other than with the word Love, but even that in many ways pales to even begin to capture the ferocity of this feeling. I felt like I had been taken past the 11th dimension and I cannot even frame in my mind any way to begin to try to distill and transmit what I was shown. I cannot hold onto the truth of it either, only a small glimmer of that great gaping maw can memory allow access unto. I could not help but to begin weeping, but it was not for sadness or anything other really than the intensity of this experience. This came on suddenly and without provocation, it was not the result of some great magical working but instead the culmination of many things.
I began writing. I did not stop for a week. I finished the entire book and sent it to my magick partner. I died while I did this, I exposed so many things to myself, and somehow this process discarded them. It was truly transformative and on a level of which I’ve yet to experience or even come close to since. The entire world looked differently afterwards. Not in a metaphorical sense but in a very literal one, everything seemed tinged with blue or some strange luminescence. This effected lasted for several weeks, but did decrease in intensity after a few days. It seemed to linger. Sometimes it edges back in to this day, around or in between the confines of my awareness.
I did several experiments in sensory deprivation including things like floating in a hot tub in the dark for several hours (heated but no jets on) as well as more severe things such as a 10 day water fast (that was probably stupid for my lack of planning, and caused some issues physically). About a year after the experience i described above I attempted a purposeful experiment in sleep deprivation, to which even chemically assisted I was not able to prolong for more than two nights.
I attempted this experiment several more times over the course of about 8 months. Even with planning, conditioning, and chemical assistance, none of these experiments made it past 3 days.
In reverse nothing was imbued out of the ordinary during the unplanned ecstatic experience, although I did smoke cigarettes.
Regardless of tools I have not been able to replicate anything close to that experience since.
Not really sure what that means but it feels like it means something.
*edit : I realized upon seeking out my vlog post for the water fast that I had done the water fast only weeks prior to this experience.
inserting video for record, posted June 10th 2011
Screencap of book cover page: